failure

warning - this post may be TMI, so turn back now if you don't want to read about breastfeeding. if you get offended in any way, you can't say i didn't warn you!
warning #2 - i'm having a sad moment, so if you go any further, be prepared to feel sad. (actually, you'll probably just think i'm insane, but we won't talk about that)

failure - when i think of this word, it makes me cringe.
i've never been someone who was ok with failure, or even mediocre.
if i'm going to do something, i'm going to give it my all.

when jp and i first started talking about having children, we both decided that breastfeeding was the way to go. we did a lot of research and talked with a lot of people, and we couldn't ignore the benefits - both for baby AND mom.

in making this decision, we tried to prepare ourselves as best we could. i read several books, and we both attending the Breastfeeding 101 class at Lexington. while i still wasn't exactly sure as to what i was doing, i was as knowledgeable as i could be without actually doing it.

when becca was born, they immediately took her to the nursery since she was born via c-section. jp went with her, and very sweetly let the nursery nurses know that i wanted to nurse as soon as possible. i had to wait until i got into recovery, but then they brought her to me immediately. with a little coaching and advice from the nurse, we were successfully breastfeeding in no time.
becca was a pro. she latched on and we never had any problems.

ok, so why am i writing all of this about nursing?
well, as most of you know, i've been back at work since august. obviously in order for becca to still be strictly on breastmilk, i pump - A LOT! i actually joke that this is my part time job because i spend so much time doing it AND it saves us a lot of money:)
unfortunately, after being back at work for several months now, my milk supply is decreasing. i'm still pumping every 3 hours, but i just can't quite keep up with her demand.

i pumped the whole 4 months i was home with her, so when i first went back to work it didn't seem like we would ever run out of milk, but now that she's older and drinking more, combined with my decreased supply, i'm having to face the reality that we have to start supplementing with formula.

just typing that makes me sad. in fact, my eyes are already watering.
why though?
i don't think there's anything wrong with formula.
obviously it does its job since most babies drink it.
it's safe and provides babies with the nutrients they need.
but again, i can't help but feel this overwhelming sadness when i think about having to give it to becca.

i guess the bottom line is i feel like i have failed.
i have failed her and i have failed myself.